my passion is fading.
my love is diminishing.
my desire is dying.
the light of gym is gone in my heart.

what is gym to me now?
nothing,
besides being a burden.
that passion in my heart,
last year,
which motivated me to go for daily trainings,
is gone.

believe me.
it disappeared,
disintegrated,
into thin air.

now,
joining chinese dance,
quitting gym,
being cca-less,
is tempting.
and im only resisting that desire,
that wish,
because of you darlings that surround me,
because i cant stand not having a cca,
because i cant accept the change around me if i change.

but the passion is gone.
the old fear is back.
there is no more motivation,
only habitual thoughts of running away.
its me, and im running away.

i hide,
i run,
i try to disappear.
it works,
but it still comes back.
materialistic things work,
but it only prolongs things.
the way chemotherapy works.

but how do i get back the motivation?
how do i rekindle the flame of passion?
i dont know.
and sometimes,
i dont think i even care.
i find myself planning of excuses to pon training,
but guilt always find its way into my mind,
my heart,
and my heavy footsteps would approach the gym,
and my heart would pump so ever faster,
worrying about the seniors,
worrying about what will happen soon,
worrying about that old fear,
and being so ever elated if it turns out to be slack training,
and how eager i am to embrace frog jumps rather than.
APPROACHING the TRAMPOLINE.
which a few months ago
was my heart,
my soul,
my life
my motivation,
my servival.

what do i do?
studies was unbearable,
now its the things that fill up my life.
tramp was my life,
and now its my hell,
my devil,
my fear,
my curse.

im scared of it.
seeing people jumping so high on it,
having fun while doing their dong zuos,
it makes my heart shrivel.
and it doesnt help when im a slow learner.
seeing people soar and fly in front of me,
while im still behind,
trying to learn how to walk,
how sad i feel,
how left out i am,
how i wish i can learn faster.
but no. i cant.
i've been trying to hide this for so long.
trying to revert back to my old self.
but i cant.
it doesnt work.
giving people my sadness to share,
seems a better choice than.
listening to their sorrows,
apathetic me drowning in their sadness,
while they feel better.
thats stupid.
amanda,
i cant do it.

that is just it.
reclusion is good too.
and this time its for real.
im not going for training.
im not going to answer calls.
im not going to come online.
im not going to blog.
im not going to respond.
till i get some answers.
till i sort out myself.
till i get back my old self.
till i be apathetic again.
till im happy again.
till my motivation comes back.
till i love gym again.

i love gym.
but things have become like this.
perhaps its true.
i have an attitude problem.
then gym might do better without me.
advance faster without me as a burden.
without a heavy stone like me,
causing all to drown with me,
causing them troubles,
stress.
im out of here.
back into my fantasy land,
like that squirrel in ice age,
dreaming about his acorns,
and here i will be,
dreaming about homework and
stressless times,
being the selfish me,
without having to listen to sorrows.
goodbye.